Long Time No Write

Well, I didn't realize I'd gone missing for so long! I guess I've not posted since the day before Thanksgiving! Since then I've had two big craft shows, a 50-page yearbook deadline, and finished my 7000-word Masters thesis. Finally! And if anyone is curious, no I did NOT eat turkey on Thanksgiving. But I didn't boycott the holiday totally.

I'm posting mainly to let all know that I have made another update to my etsy shop. There will be jewelry and more scarves to come in the next day or so, plus some ornaments! Hooray! I am full of holiday happiness!

I Fell Off the Wagon and Wasting Time

Because my idiotic brother can't tear himself away from "Halo 3" or "Call of Duty 4" the other night, and I was sick of waiting around to use the modem. Yes, I would like to murder Xbox Live, because when he plays those stupid games, he not only monopolizes the TV, but the internet connection as well. And he can easily burn through 4 or 5 hours playing that. What a waste of time! I mean, I am a huge proponent of the concept of a little laziness and time-wasting in order to be healthy. But there's NOTHING to show for that.

I love watching movies, my mother thinks it's a waste of time. But any artist is never truly wasting time if he or she is taking in imagery, interactions, relationships, etc. All of that stuff collects in your mind and finds a way into something you create, if it really sticks and leaves an impression. So I feel like I could be doing pretty much anything and it wouldn't really be a waste of time. Not to mention, I often work on crochet projects while I watch TV or movies. But there is something to be said for hanging around on a crappy day (such as this one) and playing video games or watching movies. Everyone needs to slow down and veg occasionally.

I have about 7 hats now, and a few scarves, plus tons of jewelry. So I hope this weekend's craft show will be much better than the last one. I have tons of new ideas, but I don't think I could get enough of each thing made by Friday, and I hate having just one or two of an item in my shop or my booth.

I plan to try to post a list of my top 10 or so favorite albums or artists or something list-oriented tomorrow. I love lists! :)

Not a lot

Well, I'm eating a tasty grilled chicken leg, a nice salad comprised of romaine lettuce, baby spinach, black olives, feta cheese, and light caesar dressing. I have to say, between that, the grape juice, and crusty bread, I'm a pretty happy camper.

I'm going over to Tom's in a bit, and this has been a typical Sunday. Church, working on jewelry, and all that. I've gotta go find a suitable book for dinner reading. I always read while I eat at home and at school. Sometimes I forget what I ate. Never what I read though!

More tomorrow, maybe on the great existential questions that we all ponder.

Photo Kitty

So this is Bear:


I took that last night, when she was being remarkably still.

I re-read A Clockwork Orange over this week, and I have to say, there is something appealing about the nadsat language spoken by Alex, the narrator. I have been throwing the odd phrase in today, and I quite like it. Particularly the phrase "oddy nocky," meaning "all by one's lonesome." Some of it's a bit too much, but the occasional word seems charming. Unlike the general details and trajectory of the book itself, which are disturbing. Great book though.

Wearing Thin

It's getting a bit difficult to keep posting on here, just because I want to say interesting things, but life has been more of the same lately!

I've noticed something in the last 5 years or so. Commercials used to have their own jingles and all that, music produced for that company for that product. Now there are so many commercials, particularly for products that appeal to youth culture, that use pre-existing songs. I really enjoy that. It introduces new music to the culture, and it's often lesser-known artists who gain exposure through the commercial. This new Zune commercial is a delight on so many levels. I love the imagery, the surreal quality, and the song ("Lake Michigan") by Rogue Wave. It's like the interior of my brain! And that means someone else out there (or a collection of someone elses) has a mindscape like this. That makes me happy.



In a similar vein, I really want to see Across the Universe. It appears that I'll have to wait until it comes out on DVD, because it was in theatres for about a nano-second. I think it was a bit surreal for the general public. I've noticed in my artistic travels that many people are uncomfortable with those things that don't follow certain linear patterns they've come to expect. Without appearing pompous or narcissistic, I would like to suggest that possibly it takes a higher level of mental processing ability to appreciate such things, a mind that can accept things that break out of the norm, and a flexibility with the usual constructs of totally conscious, rational thinking.

Well! I didn't know this was going to go on quite so long! Hooray! Catch you on the flip side!

Francais-- Hier, Aujourd'hui, et Demain

I am currently subbing for French classes; I did yesterday, I am today, and I wll be tomorrow too. It's not bad really, especially since I have to teach some, and I actually know a decent amount of what I'm teaching.

I need to take more pictures of my items, but it takes so long to get a good one, and I don't want every picture to look the same, so I like to change where it is and what's around it. But that takes a long time too! Oh well. And my computer is slow, so it takes me a while to list each item in my shop. I'll post some other products on here tonight or tomorrow.

Ugh, so lackluster! Maybe I'll hit you with a poem tomorrow too.

Cookies are Not Photogenic

I took some pictures of my beautiful cookies today, but they are not at ALL in focus, and I don't know why. I made Chocolate Peppermint White Chocolate Chip cookies, which are pretty darn good. I'll try again to get a good picture tomorrow. I finished another hat today. I haven't posted any new items to the etsy yet though. That'll probably happen tomorrow or Friday.

New Items on Etsy

Here's a new design! I eschew patterns for the most part, so you know what that means: totally original freestyle design! This beret is from my Art School Prima Donna Collection. I've added a few things to my shop today, with more to come tomorrow. Check it out here: BombshellWorks.etsy.com.

I am so excited to be adding items to my etsy! Hopefully the outcome is good. . .

Ta for now!

Fulfilling a Promise

Alright, there's something I've made recently. It's from the Art School Prima Donna Collection; the piece is called "Life Aquatic." I figure Wes Anderson is a great person to bring into the work, even if only by the barest association on the basis of the title. The pendant is handmade stoneware, twice fired like your typical pottery. My mother makes the clay piece, I glazed. I have more of these in a variety of styles and colors, and I think they'll go nicely with my crochet pieces. I'm in the accessory business. More than anything, I think a great accessory really makes an outfit. So that's my post for today. As soon as I get more stuff posted to the etsy shop, I will put a link in that day's post.

In other news, I am no longer being driven out of my mind by the rift between my honey and my mother. It had been about 4 months since the last time they actually spoke of one another without disdain. And then last night my mother told me to invite him over and she apologized to him for pushing him away. He graciously forgave her, and I can barely believe it's all real. I had almost given up the idea of having a real wedding with family and all the stuff I wanted along with that, including children, if only to avoid explaining why my kids were allowed at their grandparents' house, but their daddy wasn't. So I am feeling much better, none of the crying almost every day. Which is a relief. I could sing, I'm so happy!

And here's a shocker for anyone who knows me well: Tom and I have a cat, and I love her! She's just a baby, and I can't even believe I like an animal! I was once the fiercest anti-pet person ever. In fact, before about two weeks ago, that was the case. But Bear is frisky and adorable; one of her eyes is all blue, the other is half blue and half green, and she's mostly white with a big splotch of grey on her back and head, plus one paw. I'll take a picture next time I go to Tom's and post it in here.

Full of It

Great ideas, that is! Yesterday even though the craft show was a stinker, I had lots of time to crochet and think through some new ideas I have for my business and my shop. I have always had a hard time confining myself to one style in dressing, decorating, or creating. That's part of the reason I took forever to come up with a name for my shop! But I have reached a reasonable conclusion: my shop needs to be organized into collections, and there are three headings that my pieces can all be classified under. I hammered this out yesterday.

The first one is the Huntress Collection. The key phrase under that is "Indian Rockstar." That's my inspiration. Wild, tough, earthy-- components like feathers, textured yarns, bone, shell, semi-precious stones, organic shapes. For colors think sage, rust, warm greeny blues, browns.

Then there's the Art School/Prima Donna Collection. Shiny retro pop funky loud. Shapes are layered circles, elongated sharp rectangles. Items in bright pure colors, lots of black and white, graphic prints; components: lucite, faux fur, smooth cotton yarns, metal, glass.

The Antiquarian Collection is vintage cultured old world richness. Opulence is key. Ruffles, interesting details, embroidery, varying proportions, lots of texture. Lace, antique hardware, leathers, textured yarns, textual elements incorporated.

I was telling Tom about this and he laughed at me because he says I get all excited over these things. Like the Indian stuff. He's noticed my preoccupation. But artists get obsessive over things, and I'm fine with that! Tomorrow I plan to take pictures of some of my stuff and start posting. I would like to find a model, and there are some girls at the high school I've noticed that are unusual looking, the look I want. But I think they might be freaked out if I asked them for such a thing. Plus I can't really pay them. Ah, well. I'll figure something out!

Craft Show Blah

Yeah, so the Burlington Middle School was not packed with stylish folk today, ready and raring to buy my lovely wares. I think the problem is that our business has evolved but the clientele in this area hasn't. So look out for an etsy update, because I'm fed up with these darn craft shows.

Here's the worst part. They put on Christmas music, which is a great thing in theory. The first CD was excellent, Frank Sinatra. But the next one. . . Holy Horrors, the thing had to have been produced by the creators of the "Charlie's Angels" theme song. It was like a "Starsky and Hutch" Christmas Special. Like "Deck the (mustard, avocado, brown, and orange) halls!" OK. So ends my rant and my post. Tom's taking me out to dinner! Yay!

Rude Students with Attitude and Crazy Gertrude

So I came in this morning hoping not to have to do much. Unfortunately, I have a schedule today that doesn't even have a block off! That means my only time alone is the 25 minutes I get for lunch. Very upsetting indeed. And I don't even get to do that until 12:30. I am hungry now! And this mornings' health class was terrible. I think that having kids work on computers with a sub is not a good idea. They don't do their work. And honestly, there are no real reprocussions if they misbehave with me. I mean, I can leave a note for their teacher. But what can he do after the fact, not even having seen what the kids did? And they know this.

I hate to say this next thing, because so many people in academia would be horrified. I have no wish to sound ignorant or gauche. But Gertrude Stein's work. . . well, I like The Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas. That's very good. But her other work, like How to Write, How Writing is Written, and *shudder* Tender Buttons? I can respect it for the sake of the fact that she was doing something new and different. But as literature, I can't enjoy it in any shape or fashion. It does the difficult job of getting me to a place of non-linear construction definitely, if I read it somewhere quiet and concentrate on it fully. But I would not ever read it for pleasure. Here is an excerpt from the opening of a chapter titled "Forensics" in How to Write (this is a more intelligible section):


They will have nothing to do with still. They will
had that they have head of the skill with which they divided
them until they knew what they were doing without it.
A dog who has been washed has been washed clean with
our aid in our absence.
After our long decision they will wait for what she does.
She chose to be helped by their coming here.
No distress in elegance.
Quarrels may wear out wives but they help babies.
We will hope they will not wear out wives.
It is an appointment they will keep in singing for them
and they keep an appointment.
They say it would have been better.
To invite.
Would it have been better.
To say.
Would it have been better
To show
Them this.
Forensics are a plan by which they will never pardon. They
will call butter yellow. Which it is. He is. They will call birds
attractive. Which they are. They are. They will also oblige
girls to be women that is a round is a kind of hovering for
instance.
Forensics may be because of having given.


Yeah. That. So as I said that's a more intelligible selection. What follows is about half of a "poem" called "A Chair" from Tender Buttons.


A widow in a wise veil and more garments shows that shadows are even. It addresses no more, it shadows the stage and learning. A regular arrangement, the severest and the most preserved is that which has the arrangement not more than always authorised.

A suitable establishment, well housed, practical, patient and staring, a suitable bedding, very suitable and not more particularly than complaining, anything suitable is so necessary.

A fact is that when the direction is just like that, no more, longer, sudden and at the same time not any sofa, the main action is that without a blaming there is no custody.

Practice measurement, practice the sign that means that really means a necessary betrayal, in showing that there is wearing.

Hope, what is a spectacle, a spectacle is the resemblance between the circular side place and nothing else, nothing else.


Is it fresh? Yes. Is Stein a genius? Maybe. Would it ever fly if I passed that in to an advisor in my MFA program? I really doubt it. That would be butchered in workshop. That's what I believe, anyway. During my undergrad, there was a guy in one of my poetry workshops that wrote really unusual stuff, and no one in the class understood it. I think a lot of the time, the impulse is this: If I don't understand it, then that person must be really smart, so it must be good! And I don't want anyone to think I don't get it, so I'll just heap praise upon this writer and hopefully no one will notice I don't get it! I think that even happens among "scholarly" reviewers and such. I always had a theory that if I secretly submitted an obscure poem by an established poet for feedback/critique, that it would be ripped to shreds. And then the joke would be on all the people who criticize me for doing something that a "real" poet does without receiving any criticism. I think there's this mindset when workshopping (or looking at a poem by a person who is not a professional writer) that it needs to be torn down and rebuilt. I often don't think that assumption is on the part of the worshop leader, either. It's the students. Like, "We'll all look smarter if we attack this thing." Well, writing is imperfect, the avenues for critique aren't perfect, and Tender Buttons definitely isn't perfect.

Craft show tomorrow, and I need to make at least ten more things before then. Meanwhile I'm stuck here right up until the end of the school day. Alas.

No Theory Today, Just a Song

I keep finding I'm not really in the mood to be theoretical this week. But I have had my fill of liberalism this week, so I am posting a video that is loaded with non-PC phraseology. It's also funny, but probably offensive to anyone that doesn't understand sarcasm and satire. This guy is 17 years old, lives in Boston, and also has some other hilarious stuff on YouTube along with this one.

ENJOY!!

Ho-Hum Hump Day

Well, today I am an art teacher. All Art I classes, which means freshmen and sophomores. They seem to be the least able to behave themselves with a sub, particularly the boys. The lesson plan I was given is easy enough, it's just getting the kids to listen for longer than a fraction of a second. At any rate, it's better than teaching Algebra, like I did yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow is a bit better, maybe with last block free, so I can go home early.

Today when I leave, I need to work on more jewelry. We have a craft show this weekend at Barrington Middle School, and I am woefully short on stuff right now! I am aiming to make at least twenty more pieces before the week is out! I have plenty of scarves and hats to add to my etsy shop, and I plan to take some pictures soon and get them on there. No time like the present, right?

I've gone over to Tom's apartment every night for at least a week, and I keep conking out over there and waking up around 10 or 11, and driving home to pass out in my own bed. It's a bad pattern. And I hate leaving him every night. I really miss living together, but I keep thinking about the reason I moved back in with my parents: to save money for a future home of our own. So I will just persevere. I think I need another way of making money. Back to the old job search. Because although substitute teaching provides some income and obviously a great schedule, it's just not enough to pay my current bills plus save for the future. Well that was kind of a downer! Expect something academic tomorrow!

Not Feeling Theoretical

I think "Theory Thursdays" sounds better anyway, don't you? Maybe I'll make it in two days.

Today while listening to some of the kids talk at the high school, I was again reminded of my pet cause. I think there ought to be a class about gender/sex issues. A required class that teaches students what they obviously aren't learning at home: that everyone deserves respect, no one deserves to be treated like an object. It's necessary to teach young women how to behave so they aren't being seen this way, and to let young men know what behavior is expected of them. I think there's just a total lack of anything that opposes what these people are seeing in the media that they take in every day. It should start in elementary school, considering that the average age of exposure to pornography in this country is 10 years old. That's just obscene to me. I'm going to see what I can do about all of this, if anything. I think that's all for me. My thoughts are running on about 12 cylinders, but the proccessing part is working quarter-time.

It's November 5th

Another fine fall Monday is upon us; I am teaching a gym class today, which is nice and relaxed. Last block I had Alt PE, which was a lot of fun! The kids may have learning disabilities, but they are really sweet, fun people! I think they liked me; I played all their games with them. Why not? It was great exercise!

I have to come up with something in the next month or so for this visual/textual art project at my MFA program for the winter residency. Some other women in the program have devised a plan for a project that combines the written word with visual art-- the theme is "On the Line." All of the pieces brought in will combine to create one large piece, displayed on a clothes line which I believe will be outside, vulnerable to the elements and the changes that can take place because of them. That aspect of it reminds me of an artist featured in Words & Images when I was on the staff. She constructed these canopies over an orchard and took photographs of the changes that took place in the fabric and the natural world. Really a very cool thing to look at.

Speaking of Words and Images, I'm gearing up to send poems to them for the 2008 journal. I have a few other contests and such to consider too; I'm sick of waiting for nothing! The only way I'm going to get published is to get the stuff out there! So although I probably won't hear from them for a few months after I submit, I will update on that! I plan to write a longer post tomorrow, maybe something lofty and theoretical. Maybe I'll start a "Poetic Theory Tuesdays" type of thing! I think I need more structure here, and that could provide it!

A Poem For You This Sunday

In case it hasn't been mentioned before, I am a grad student in a low-residency MFA program. My degree that I receive next July will be a Masters in Poetry. Twice a year (over New Years' and over July 4th) I go to 10-day residencies in Vermont. Throughout each semester, I work with an advisor, sending a packet containing a cover letter that discusses my reading, my struggles, and my thoughts about my work and writing in general, plus some critical work, and of course, poems. Over the past month I have had no trouble at all writing fairly decent first drafts for my packets. It's very exciting. I just sent one last Friday, and here is a poem from that packet.

Sea Star

I am having trouble articulating everything around my head
these days, swimming in the periphery, stroking the perimeter like a seasick
star, reflected. I’ve said this before: I am a bent spoke, otherwise
unspoken, an ancient slanting curse. Believe me! That
is all. My idea of love
is not my mother’s. Must it always
come back to our differences? I am cycling. There are
cyclones of debris and diagnoses pelting around the place
in the dark. The moon is not an angel mother. The moon is not
anything to me, the crooked wire star. Gales of associations
blow through. I am finding it hard to tell
how to stay glued to the surface, but tell me—Am I
in the water or the sky? I want to be peeled back
to a flower, but my points break
the skin of anyone who tries, the salt stings. I am plucked with pliers
from somewhere
and stuck down somewhere else. Everything is metallic midnight blue.

Don’t question the mindscape, question
the bending, the warp
that makes you think you
look alright. You are not all there is.

But tonight, or underwater, I am
the only one I can see. I don’t feel the light
bouncing back to me. At me would suffice. I want
to be touched by the still cold fusion
of lake reflected constellations. The water
that rinses clean rusts me, but I would grate softly
into nothingness to feel a touch of the elements,
know one
from another. I would rust for this.

Saturday Silliness

Possible Halloween costume for next year? Or just another day where cleaning turns into me wearing all kinds of strange things? It's both! That's why I can never get anything done. I start cleaning and I find a pair of shoes and dress up in them, find craft components and start making something; I am very easily carried off on a tangent. On the plus side, I made my ATCs for the Favorite Color Swap that actually isn't due until later this month.

My birthday is a month and 2 days away! I always get excited about my birthday. There are a lot of ways in which I am very childlike. It's a good way to be happy! Only this morning my mother learned the benefits of this. She put her hair in two little puffy buns behind her ears, donned a hoodie, and instantly felt happier. I tell ya, there's nothing like it!

This Is What I'm Hearing

I got Tegan and Sara's new CD this week, and I'm really liking it! My introduction to the duo was through their last offering, So Jealous. This one, The Con, has a bit of a different sound. Still catchy, still pop-tinged, but a little more electronic and experimental. Favorite tracks are: "The Con," "Hop a Plane," and "Burn Your Life Down."

I have also rediscovered the soundtrack to Velvet Goldmine, a wacky but cool movie about a fictional glam rocker (based on David Bowie). I think my favorite song on the whole thing is "Diamond Meadows" by T-Rex (aka Marc Bolan), and a close second is "Personality Crisis" by the Donna Matthews Band. I love female leads that aren't afraid to yelp and howl, like the always cherished Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

My phone is shut off. I'm feeling the Abenaki vibe today. That's life.

Day One of NaBloPoMo

I am fairly sure I'm going to forget to do this sometime this month. I almost forgot today! But I will try valiantly to be a faithful blog poster, and not let anyone down.

I am about to go do a segment of my World Dance Workout DVD, but I thought I'd leave you with the first video I ever saw by this adorable YouTuber:

I'm "Fairy" Glad to See You

So my costume was a success; I won a prize for it! Tom and I ended up going to this Chinese restaurant near me for some karaoke, which was fun. I'm not going to say a lot about this because so many people talk about it, but this deserves a mention: What is with women these days dressing like total hookers on Halloween? I mean, I saw a girl in underwear, thigh highs, a vest, a bowtie, bunny ears, and a little cottontail. Yuck! And why do people only seem to want to rub up against each other and then call it "dancing?" I wish for a time when people were more modest and actually had fun without EVERYTHING being about sex!

Well, that's all for me today. I'm off to make White Chocolate Raspberry Scones! Yum yum! If they come out well, I'll take some pics!

Playing Dress-Up

So tonight I begin making my Halloween costume for a party this weekend. Or if that falls through, then I will find somewhere else to go. I will be damned if I spend another Halloween at home wishing I was somewhere dressed up, socializing with gorillas, ghosts, and other fantastical creatures! I myself am going to be a fairy, costume totally homemade! Wings and all. I have to go hunt up a tutorial I have on making wings. Never fear, I will be sure to post beaucoup photos. Cross my heart. Off to buy white pantyhose!

Oh, PS, I've impulsively added myself to the list for NaBloPoMo, so I will be posting every damn day of November! I thought, if there's anything that can get me in the habit of posting often, it's National Blog Posting Month! Huzzah!

Fantasy Fodder

So I recently posted a fairly cute, sassy photo on my Flickr, wherein I was wearing a black dress and BRIGHT blue footless tights. Not even a day later, it had been viewed a hundred times and added to all these foot fetish freaks' favorites! There's some alliteration for you this Tuesday morning. I thought this photo was innocuous. I wasn't making a sexy face, posing suggestively, or anything else. I was kind of freaked out. There may be some women in the world who get off on the idea of someone else getting off on the idea of them. Not me. My husband-to-be is the only person I want thinking about me that way.

It's a weird thing, knowing there's nothing you can REALLY do to stop someone from making you the object of their dirty thoughts. I remember a time probably three summers ago when I was staying in the Portland area for a week-long writing conference in Freeport. I went to the mall to kill some time and I felt victimized by people looking at me, appraising my worth based on my appearance! It was a miniature breakdown, seriously. I was shaking, I couldn't look up at any man's face, I wanted to shrink and hide. To borrow a phrase from a book, this rise in "raunch culture" doesn't sit well with me. I don't appreciate the implication that anyone (particularly a woman, as male attention is generally more aggressive and intrusive) is public property, to be oogled, used, and then discarded, as if she is not even a thinking, feeling person. It could be argued that turning a person into your own personal fantasy fodder doesn't affect them, but I don't agree. Look at my experience at the mall; none of those people were even vocal or especially rude, by normal societal standards. Anyone who understands the emotional implications of being continuously made into a puppet in service to unchecked lust can not feel completely comfortable in the world.

I don't even know what to say about people who make their bodies their financial means, other than this: They must be unable (or unwilling, in the face of "success") to see the effects of encouraging such a mindset. Anyone who knows me knows this is kind of a "pet cause" for me. I have published columns about it, written features, poems, and spoken about it in person. I just feel so passionately that the lack of respect I and so many women feel from so many men comes down to the fact that in their "private, harmless" fantasy lives, men are turning any and all women into submissive, obliging playthings with no personal morals, discernment, or thoughts other than those which are fed into their heads by the director, the man who is fantasizing. I want to scream: "I AM HAVING A HUGE PROBLEM WITH THIS!!!!"

I mentioned the phrase "dirty thoughts" earlier; I'm sure plenty of people would say "It's talking like that about sexual desire that really stunts people," blather and blah blah blah. I'm sorry, but what I have heard men talk about (and surely what they feel comfortable talking about is only a FRACTION of what they are thinking) can only be described as dirty. I am willing to allow that there is even a huge difference between feeling sexually attracted to someone, and imagining that person debased to levels probably unimaginable to me. I think society has been too permissive in encouraging people to feel acceptance toward their any and every desire or inclination. When people have no self-control over their thought lives, that lack of self-control begins to be expressed in their behavior, which is completely unsafe.

How about this argument: "Men are more visual." Please! What a flimsy excuse! Show me the sighted person who doesn't respond to the visual stimulation of an attractive person. In rare cases, there may be people do not respond. But if you show any human being a good-looking person of their sexual preference, I guarantee they will be visually stimulated. I think the best reason I can find to explain the fact that more men are attracted to pornography is very easily expressed: a) many women (and some men) are able to discern, if not articulate, the fact that they are being personally degraded by a culture that accepts such "entertainment", and b) these people can see the personal and emotional implications of such viewing and acceptance.

I also resent the occasional implication by some men-- who else--that I am jealous of the women featured in pornography. I am very happy to be who I am, and I don't wish to be anyone else. I think that people who need the constant approval of a slobbering mass of emotionally stunted men and piles of dirty, secretive cash (let's face it, most men keep their porn stashes a secret from their wives/girlfriends) sound like the ones with the self-esteem problems, don't you? I feel like I have run out of thoughts and I am just a ball of frustration. I just want to see a change. I want to know that other people understand that I am an intelligent, thinking person who has no obligation or desire to bow to their warped senses of sex and gender roles. I was not created to play a simple role in fantasy and be quiet. I won't be quiet. My face is mine; my feet are mine, you foot fetishists; my body is mine, and no one else has any right to it, not even in his own thoughts

Self-Diagnosis, Online Quizzes

Lately I have been reading "The Midnight Disease: The Drive to Write, Writer's Block, and the Creative Brain" by Alice Flaherty, and not only does it discuss hypergraphia, a diagnosable illness wherein the affected person feels an uncontrollable compulsion to write, but other pyschological disorders are mentioned as well (many go hand in hand with hypergraphia). I think it's pretty safe to say I'm not afflicted by the uncontrollable urge to write. But reading the book has made me think about disorders and such. While I consider myself a fairly sane person, occasionally there is a question! After all, as contemporary poet Mary Ruefle said: "Among all people, psychological disorders occur most among artist, among all artists they occur most among writers, and among all writers, most among poets." So I figure I have inherited at least a touch of madness by virtue of my chosen vocation.

I have been considering of late the strain that ''thinking like an artist'' can place on a person. It has most notably caused problems in my relationship with my fiance. The way being a writer has molded my mind, my perceptions, and my communication style is something I would not want to change or undo, but it is not the most conducive to a relationship with a concrete-minded, realistic man. I speak in metaphors, I get caught up in creative projects and forget to do what I've said I'll do, I remember small details with unusual accuracy but somehow forget whole conversations, even forgetting what I said moments ago, I am easily distracted, and it can be quite the undertaking to get a straight factual answer from me. Most of these add up to the appearance that I don't care how my partner feels. It's not a difficult leap to arrive at that conclusion. And no matter what I say, it stil appears that I am thoughtless because I don't change the behavior. But I can't! I do make an attempt to focus more and remember conversations. I live so much inside my own head that it's difficult to leave.

Anyway, all of this has led me to the ultimate source: online tests that measure what personality disorder you may exhibit! The results are interesting, and better than they were last time. In the past, I have been labeled as a Narcissistic. Now rather than one of the dramatic personality disorders, I have an eccentric one, which shouldn't be surprising. I am becoming more and more myself every year, and understanding what that means has led me to understand that I am unusual. According to the similarminds.com personality disorder test, I am 90% Schizotypal, (an individual who is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior). Not as exciting as some disorders, but both geniuses and complete madmen fit in this category. In the big scheme of things, I think I can live with that. Try the test yourself: http://www.similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

It's never a bad thing to gain some insight into those lesser-known corners of ourselves. It helps explain what we do in broad daylight.

Lundi

Don't you love it when you wake up feeling foxy? Not necessarily because you're having a good hair day, or because your skin is clear, but just a feeling of pleasant attractiveness. That is a happy day indeed. It makes me wish I had something important to go do. I am thinking about making some muffins. . . But that's not really what I was thinking.

I keep having dreams about David Bowie, wherein he is invariably pissed off at me. The first one I had was this past February, but they've cropped up again recently. He appears each time in a different one of his creative phases. No matter how he's dressed, he's always vaguely unpleasant and disdainful, and yet I keep fighting for his attention in these dreams. . . it's very weird. The first one was very reminiscent of his appearance in Labyrinth, or "One of my favorite movies of all time." Big glam-esque hair, long sweeping coat-- in the dark, I chased him down a million steep stairs that eventually opened out onto a plaza with tons of tiny lights and I never caught up. He was always sneering over his shoulder at me. The most recent one, he appeared as the Thin White Duke. Very dapper indeed. He seduced me, then ridiculed my sexual performance. As long as he never enters my dreams as The Man Who Fell to Earth, I guess it'll be alright. But my feelings really are hurt by his cruelty! :)

I haven't made any real attempts to find a new job, but I plan to today. It's just very difficult to find the types of jobs I'm cut out for in this area of the country. I have come to the conclusion that I am fit for a job in an artistic sector of the corporate world. Any ideas?

Job Hunt and Entertaining Myself

Today I was surfing the web and trying to find a decent job. While looking on craigslist, I found an ad seeking erotic stories. I thought to myself: "Could I do that for a job?" I used to write dirty stories for my own entertainment, and I've written a couple of them for my honey. I think they've been pretty successful. But it sounds like this person just wants them sent directly for his private use, which is a tad bit weird. . . so I reconsidered on that one and moved on! I do have some intresting prospects though, and I plan to tweak my resume for each of them tomorrow. I can't work on it here, because I somehow uninstalled Microsoft Word from my computer, and now I can't put it back on. I've been planning on buying Office 2007 anyway.

In other news, I've been thinking again about freelancing, and sending some poems out for publication consideration (real, literary journal stuff, not poetry.com-like scams). Jeff Ingliss of the Portland Phoenix told me to send freelance work anytime (after he told me I didn't get the job A&E Listings Coordinator last year), so maybe I'll look into that. I will provide updates on all this fun stuff.

I have been cruising iVillage's message boards for fun. I love the Taboos board! Of course, people aren't allowed to get too graphic, but it's still good fun. I've also completed two new items for my etsy shop. I think once I have fifteen new things, I will start posting them for sale there. I also have at least 50 ATCs to make by the end of this month. That's just obscene. Well, I can't help it! All these great swaps on swap-bot.com and I am totally defenseless and swept away by the raging tide of themed creation. Ah well. We all have our vices.

I never made it to the powwow, by the way. I really wanted some fry bread, but alas, the weather sucked yesterday, and I didn't want to drive the 40 minutes there for it to rain after we'd been there for an hour (that sounds ridiculous, but this is the kind of bad luck compounded between my fiance and I).

Ta for now, lovelies!
Lethal

Keeping Up

Wow, I'm not doing well at keeping this updated at all, am I! Well, I have plenty for you today! Since I have quit my job (surprise surprise) at the Box Office of Death and Gnashing of Teeth, I will hopefully do a better job at posting more often with some exciting little tid-bits!

I just love reading message boards an getting fired up by the idiots that seem so convinced they are right! I just watched The Last Kiss this weekend, and after I see a movie, I like to check out IMDB and see what other people are saying about it. For anyone that hasn't seen it, it is a good movie, pretty truthful, and very sad at certain points. Some jerk posted this, titled "Women can take a lesson from this movie:" http://imdb.com/title/tt0434139/board/nest/82420934 on IMDB. I felt it my duty to respond with some vinegar, as he clearly needed some schooling. I will post my full reply here.

Wow. Do you have any idea how misogynistic this all sounds? Reducing women to the performance of one function by calling them "baby-makers?" Well, she was impregnated by a "fertilizer;" she didn't get that way on her own. I don't think there has ever been a question about the "male" point of view being presented in film. Why else are women simply objects in much of film? Some are given characteristics of strength or power, but these roles are fetishized and still in the service of male fantasty. Why are single women consistently portrayed as exciting and fun, while mens' wives are shown to be (or perceived by the lame-brained men who watch) nagging, controlling bitches? Because that's a male view, which could be the reason that it's so glaringly inaccurate, and yet so widely accepted.

I know men who are thrilled with their wives and would never even desire another person. It comes down to rejecting the ridiculous sense of entitlement that has been nurtured in men for centuries, not to mention the "All that matters is what I want right now" mentality that has been embraced for decades by many people, male AND female. Cheating is ALWAYS selfish, always a cop-out. Rather than dealing with the issues at hand and having a healthy discussion with their partners, people think their problems will be erased by finding another person to make their lives seem exciting. It's just a new set of problems! That people are so blind not to see that is just baffling to me.

The women I have seen "turn sour" don't get that way on their own; only a chauvainist would be able to believe that. Women become bitter when their partners take them for granted, when they are left with the sole responsibility of taking care of a home and children, when their efforts (career and home) go unnoticed and unappreciated-- ANYONE becomes bitter when they feel they are not cherished or appreciated. Anyone who thinks he can legitimately excuse someone for behaving so abominably is beyond the point of ever being able to uderstand the human pysche or romantic relationships.

When I used to have a livejournal I loved writing this stuff. And when I wrote my columns for USM's Free Press. I really need to get fired up more often! Guess I'll have to lurk around reading what idiots are posting. Shouldn't be hard. They are EVERYWHERE.

In other news, I am looking for a new job. I'm co-advising the yearbook at an area high school, but that's a stipend I won't be seeing till June, and I've got bills now! I think I'll get going in earnest on my Etsy shop, http://bombshellworks.etsy.com/. And soon we'll have craft shows and all that good stuff.

I think I'm going to an Abenaki PowWow this weekend. My grandfather's grandmother was a full-blooded American Indian, and it's my brother's theory that it's Abenaki blood we've got. Guess I'll find out if I feel any ancient stirrings at the powwow.

PS: I am working out and feeling great! :)
TTFN, lovelies!

Greeting

Well, this is probably the third or fourth blog I have begun-- maybe this one will stick? I am currently at home, should be working on a 5,000+ word essay on fairy tales in contemporary poetry, or at least reading something that would eventually contribute to that, or at the VERY least, working on my swap stuff. But alas. I am shouting into the vast silent space of the internet.

Lately I have received a few wavelets of inspiration; I'm hoping they are precursors to the tidal wave of poetry that is going to come crashing down on me. Which I really do wish would happen. I haven't written a new poem in about a month and a half. That's pretty bad. I also don't think I'm doing as well at encouraging the poetry to happen either. I haven't sat down for a free write in 2 months or so. I feel myself getting stiff and squeaky. I'll have to remedy that too. It could be because every spare moment I have, I'm working on swap stuff, namely ATCs, or Artist Trading Cards. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, go here: http://www.cedarseed.com/air/atc.html One of the best ATC sites I've come across.

I am looking for a new career direction. I don't want to be the assistant manager of a theatre box office forever. Particularly because it vastly under-utilizes my various talents. Like stringing together sentences, and having ideas. Sarcasm will run rampant in these parts. That ought to be clear by this point.

I guess that's enough prattle for one morning. I will try to be diligent about updating and all that lovely stuff.